Seder for Dummies

As tonight is the first night of Passover, I was reminded of my ‘sample menu’ I sent to a Catholic friend a few years ago, who was going to her first Passover seder. Here’s the heads up, I mean, sample menu.

1 – Gefilte fish 
My dad wont even let it near him at the table yet I love it. Comes in a nasty gooey jelly. Just shove the goo aside and load it up with horseradish (purple stuff). I’m not going to tell you what’s in it because you don’t want to know.

2 – Chopped liver
I think it looks like diarrhea and smells almost as bad. I cannot eat it.

3 – Matzo ball soup
This is always the best. Don’t eat too much because you will get full and bloated because it is loaded with salt. This is usually served in the beginning.

4- Brisket, turkey, some kind of meat
Is normal and should be ok. Personally, I am not a big meat-eater so I usually skip this.

5 – Anything baked
It is made with matzah – SMALL portions are key to your success. The dishes are called kugels – some good, some bad. If there are raisins it’s usually good because it’s something sweet. Potato kugels are good too. Be warned: the result is the same. You WILL have to go to the bathroom, well, you’ll want to, you just may not be able to 😉

6 – Yams. Fill up. Even better if there are marshmallows in it.

7 – Some kind of carrot and raisin concoction. My mom has made this since I can remember. I think its called simmus or sirrus. Not bad.
But I don’t like cooked carrots.

8 – Dessert is usually chocolate covered matzah, some flourless cakes or macaroons. Tread carefully and be wary of dessert kugels (made with matzah).  Your belly may not love you anymore – refer to point  five above if you need this to be reiterated. 

9 – Not sure how religious they are but if there are kosher wines, you are better off with grape juice. If you don’t like sweet wines (I don’t) you are screwed! Kosher wines are sweet and nasty. If they aren’t that religious, you can bring a bottle of normal wine – so you can
down that and the food.

10 – Towards the end of the meal, they will open the door for Elijah. This is for real. They aren’t drunk!

GOOD LUCK!!!